Well, Penguins, we meet again.  We did see this coming from the beginning didn’t we?  Alright then.  Here’s how this series is going to go down.

The NHL doesn’t want the Red Wings to win again, everyone knows that.  They want 12-time Whiniest Girl in Hockey award winner Sidney Crosby and their other teen idols to shine.  The idea of a team with no one poster boy being the best team in the NHL just doesn’t sell.  I mean come on, what would we be teaching our children if we allowed this, a group of people with varied areas of expertise working together to achieve a common goal, with no one person being more or less important than another, to win the Stanley Cup??  That would just be irresponsible.

There’s no question in my mind that the Penguins are going to have plenty of “lucky calls” (as the Ducks referred to Brad Watson’s early whistle during the DET/ANA series that cost Detroit the game) and “judgement calls” from the ever-unbiased excellence of the NHL officiating team, but the bottom line is, Detroit is a better team, and Detroit will win the Stanley Cup again this year.  My guess is in 5 games.

Let’s take the last two games of the Blackhawks series as evidence.  Two of our top players, Datsyuk and Lidstrom, were out for both games.  Going into these games, I’ll admit, I was a little nervous.  But (and Game 5 shows this quite well), the rest of the team did an amazing job of stepping up across the board.  While I definitely hope that Pavel and Nick will be back in the game for Saturday, I’m quite confident that the Wings can beat the Pens with or without them.  They’re just that deep of a team.

So I say bring it Pens, we beat you before, we’ll do it again.

Every week there are good bar-goers and there are lousy bar-goers.  Let’s discuss some of both from this week.

Please, people, I’m begging you.  What is it about going to a bar that renders you completely inept at speaking the English language?  These are actual exchanges that I was forced to involve myself in at work this week:

“Would you like another Long Island?”
“Yeah.”
[after building an entire Long Island right in front of him and handing it to him]
“There you are, $5.50 please.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a Long Island.”
“Oh I just wanted a shot of Jager…”

Really?  You asked for and made me mix a Long Island for you, and you watched me do it, and now I have to dump it because you’re an idiot?  What part of “would you like another Long Island” was unclear?

“Hi there, what can I get for you?”
“I’ll have a martini.”
“Any particular kind of gin?”
“No, just well is fine.”
[commence chilling glass, mixing standard martini, garnish with olive, present to customer, money changes hands, end of transaction.... I thought.]
“Ma’am?” (While we’re on the topic, don’t ever call a bartender “ma’am.”  It will never get you a good response.)
“Yes?”
“This isn’t what I asked for.”
“No?  You asked for a martini, correct?”
“Yeah, this tastes like, piney.”
“That’s just the taste of the gin.”
“Oh I didn’t want gin, I wanted vodka.”

Oh look, now I have to dump another perfectly good drink because you didn’t know what the hell you were ordering.  When I asked if you had a preference of gin, that was probably a good time to specify that you wanted a vodka martini.  Martinis are made with gin, unless otherwise specified.  Know what you’re ordering.

I would also like to add the following tips to make sure your next evening out at the bar doesn’t end up the way it did for a few of my other customers this week:

1. Never try to bribe the bartender into giving you another drink after 2:00 am.  Saying, “I’ll tip you big!” usually means $1.00, which is not big, and does not outweigh the risk of losing my job and being fined thousands of dollars for breaking liquor laws.  You know when last call is.  Be prepared for it.
2. You might think it makes you look like a baller to buy a round of 8 shots for you and your whole party, but ordering 8 mixed shots from the bartender and leaving NO tip pretty much ensures that you will forever be served last for as long as that bartender remembers you.  And I will remember you.
3. If you’re a deadbeat, you know you’re a deadbeat.  It’s not a surprise to you.  Don’t ask me to run your defunct credit card 50 times while you finish your unpaid-for drink, and don’t act surprised when I pour out said drink and kick you out of the bar.

Now that we’ve covered the Hall of Shame for the week, I would like to commend a few people for their outstanding performance as upstanding bar-going citizens.

1. The Responsible Birthday Designated Driver.  At first, she seemed a bit sheepish about ordering a Shirley Temple, but I’m betting she was well taken care of the next day when all her drunken friends woke up and realized that she was the only thing standing between them and jail for the majority of the night.  On my side of things, I appreciate The Responsible D.D. for additional reasons.  She understands when her friends have had too many, and saves me the trouble of trying to communicate that fact to them.  She shepherds her drunken allies and convinces them that it IS a good idea to leave the bar after last call, so I don’t have to chase them out with a bar towel and a corkscrew.  Thank you, Responsible D.D., you have earned my respect.
2. The Prepared Drinker.  When there are 10 people at the rail waiting to order drinks, and there’s only one of them that is looking at me, I know I have met my Prepared Drinker for the evening.  He decided what he wanted to drink before he got my attention and was patiently ready to order when I made eye contact with him.  He efficiently ordered his drink, had his money in his hand, and skipped in front of 9 other people because of this.  Thank you, Prepared Drinker, you are a role model for the other 9 people at the bar who could have been served much sooner, had they been prepared like you.
3. The Pacifist.  “Hey man, we’re just trying to have a good time.  Why don’t you have a drink with us and have a good time too?”  When a belligerent drunk approaches your table and tries to cause conflict, do not provoke him.  Encourage him to loosen up and have a good time.  Thank you, Pacifist, I was able to make 10 more drinks in the time I saved from not having to chase out the belligerent drunk.

Here’s to the D.D., the Prepared Drinker, and the Pacifist this week, I hope to see all three of you, and people like you, again next week!

In other news, I’m going official: Technorati Profile

I think few people recognize the horror that threatens to overtake the world.  Unspeakable monsters being bred by the NHL right this very second before our very eyes and we don’t even know it.  Well I’m onto you, NHL, and I won’t go down without a fight.

After toilsome research and horrifying discoveries, I’ve used state-of-the-art graphing and CGI technology to produce the following diagram which proves our worst nightmares are becoming a reality:  (WARNING:  These images are disturbing and may not be suitable for young viewers.)

That’s right.  The unbridled mating of NHL referees and the Anaheim Ducks is working to produce a terrifying army of evil zebraducks.  If action isn’t taken now, these cuddly yet vituperative monsters will eventually outnumber our military, reserves and all, and will destroy everything in their path, assimilating every town and human being, until nothing is left but a giant Disneyland amusement park.  We will be entombed in webs of cotton candy and horrible polka music.  Fortunately, I’ve derived a plan.  If the following steps are taken, we just might have a chance against these nefarious mutant beasts.

1.  Stock your basement with food reserves.  Your typical zombie attack reserves will be useful, but it’s extremely important that people also keep a healthy stock of octopus, as octopus tentacles are lethal to zebraducks and may be able to be used as weapons in a tight spot.  Also be sure to stock up on stale bread, as the more inexperienced of their infantry may be able to be distracted by the tossing of it into a river or pond.

2.  Keep weapons close at hand.  Unlike most adversaries, it is obvious now that the NHL rulebook is meaningless to these foes and will be laughably ineffective.  Fuel your flamethrowers.  Nothing will stop these monstrosities but plenty of fire and C4.

3.  Form alliances.  If we are to save the world from zebraducks, we all need to stick together.  We’ll need the skills of many, and may even need to form an alliance with Canada.  I suggest the best tactic is to promise the return of the Winnipeg Jets as a peace offering, and admit that hockey never belonged in Southern California in the first place. 

Be prepared, my fellow hockey fans.  Good luck, and God speed.

In my time as a bartender I’ve had my share of customers ordering ridiculous drinks.  What we have here is a list of the most common bar-ordering mishaps, and I’ll tell you why you should avoid them.  Without further ado…

10. Fuzzy Navel.  There’s hardly any alcohol in a Fuzzy Navel at all (it’s only peach schnapps and orange juice), so you clearly don’t like to drink alcohol.  That’s fine.  You don’t need to drink alcohol.  You can order water or juice or soda, and we won’t think badly of you.  What does make us think badly of you is when you try to order an alcoholic drink to look cool to your friends and pay three times as much for it than if you would have just ordered orange juice.  This also applies for Apple-tinis, Sloe Screws, and Sloe Gin Fizzes.

9. A round of shots with an outlier.  Never come up to the bar and order a round of ten Washington Apples and one Royal Flush.  If ten people can agree on Washington Apples, so can the eleventh.  Come on.  Don’t be that guy.

8. Bloody Mary.  No, now, wait, wait, let me explain.  There is nothing wrong with Bloody Marys, in fact a good one is one of my favorite drinks.  There is also nothing wrong with ordering a Bloody Mary, if the bar is not slammed.  Have you ever seen what goes into making a Bloody Mary?  If you are at a bar where the Bloody Marys are not pre-mixed, and the bartender is running, order something else.  Don’t be an asshole.

7. Old Fashioned.  See Bloody Mary above.

6. Another bar’s house drink.  If you went to the Purple Turtle Bar in Myrtle Beach and tried a new drink called a Purple Turtle, rest assured bartenders at other bars (let alone bartenders in other states) are not going to know what it is.  This is just plain common sense.  An added note:  if you do make a mistake and order another bar’s house drink, don’t act like the bartender is daft for not knowing what’s in it, because guess what, neither do you.

5. “Something Fruity.”  If you want fruit juice, order fruit juice.  If you want a drink, order a drink.  Unfortunately, you’re probably going to order a Fuzzy Navel.

4. Grey Goose and Vodka.  Know what you’re ordering.  Ordering something like this will most likely get you cut off, and you’ll look like an idiot either way.

3. Sex on the Beach.  Do you know what’s in a Sex on the Beach?  Vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice and cranberry juice.  Is that how you got them at another bar?  Probably not.  Let me explain something to you.  There are (according to WebTender) 1,132 different recipes for a Sex on the Beach, and combined with each individual bartender’s preferences and ingredients, that results in an infinite array of Sex on the Beach concoctions that you could encounter.  If you know what you like, order what you like.  If you want it made with Midori, order it with Midori.  Don’t order a Sex on the Beach and then complain that it’s not the same as the one they made at some Buffett-esque Cancun glow-in-the-dark nightclub.  That makes you look like an idiot, and so does ordering it in the first place.  Don’t do it.

2. Extra Dry Stoli Martini, Up, Unchilled.  It’s called “a shot of Stoli.”  You are not James Bond, don’t order your drinks like a pretentious nutbag.

1. “A Beer”.  This one usually comes from old men who think there’s only one kind of beer in the world, and it’s probably Old Milwaukee.  Well you’re not on your porch, you’re in a bar.  When I ask you “what kind of beer,” saying ”doesn’t matter” is akin to saying “no beer.”

Now that things are back in working order, I’d like to bring you the webcam feed that I’ve been watching for a while now. Some genius set up a webcam on a bald eagle nest on Hornby Island, British Columbia, and it’s great quality. I think it’s neat to be able to watch bald eagles so intimately.